"We all can 'act' a certain way for a brief period of time, for instance, on Thanksgiving, who of us hasn't had to 'act' like we just loved everyone at the table? This brief show of good behavior is not true character. Our character is who we are when no one is looking." Becky Van Volkinburg
As I think about this Thanksgiving I have both mixed emotions. My sister and husband have just moved to Houston, my nieces and nephew are scattered around the country. They all came back to the area and we had a great Thanksgivings. The sad part is this is probably the last time the entire family is together.
I spoke tonight at an AA meeting and tomorrow is my 29th anniversary which means I was looking back over my life and how it has changed. It’s strange that I went from a lost person who had no friends and family did not want me around to someone who is responsible and has the love of his family.
The last line of the quote gave me pause. What am I like when people are not looking, do I do the next right thing. Do I treat people the way I want to be treated? How do I react when things are not going my way?
I would love to say I answer a positive to all the questions but sometimes I don’t. What I have found is that life is about the practice, not about being perfect, but trying to do the best with the abilities that I was given to make things a little better. Hopefully I am doing this, but one can never tell.
I have to remember it’s the journey not the destination that is important, because I am really not read to arrive at the destination yet.
So I spent the week in Vegas and I am glad that I stayed even with my weight. While I did get in some exercise my food was bad the last two days. One should not go to the Buffet Bellagio when trying to eat healthy. I did not even try to track my food that day which is bad.
I am still having pain in my back, when standing and walking for over fifteen minutes. It has been six months since the operation and while the pain is not as bad as before it still bothers me. I don’t know if it is the problem with my knee that aggravates back or if it is just the back, but we will see when I get my shot this week.
Damn I hate getting old. Now it time to get back in the healthy living mine set.
“It may not be the life you imagined, but it’s your life. You came here for a reason. Is it time for you to go and begin again?” Doug Cooper, Outside In
I am on week 5 of my new start and decided it was time to do an entry. After my back operation in April I did not feel like doing anything. The sciatica had gotten to the point that I could not even shop at the market without feeling extreme pain. It was no way to live.
After my operation the only instruction I got from my surgeon was to walk and do PT. I finished my PT and as normal did not follow instructions. In the beginning of September, while the pain was not like it was before it was still there, so I decided it was time to do something about it. I started swimming at the YMCA and watching my food intake. Slowly the pain has diminished, why did I not try this earlier, because it was easy to come home from work and just sit in my easy chair.
But hey I am 58 and just can’t sit in my apartment and watch the world go by. It takes a effort to go swimming everyday and I have to remind myself that I just have to do this for today and get out and move.
I am off to Las Vegas for the week; I have plans to go to the YMCA there and try to walk the strip, along with the shows and other things I have planned.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Getting back on the horse can be difficult, but one must try or live in defeat. To live in defeat is not an acceptable way of life. Someone once told me you never have to get back to the basics you never leave them. I left them and now it time to get back.
1)Weight loss comes down to burning more calories than you take in.
2)Plan my meals and follow my plan.
So far I have done well this week I have met my calorie goal to be under 2700 cal per day. I am trying to keep a positive mind set and with my food I am doing well. As with my other health issues the sciatica is killing me, I realize that my weight is directly pushing on the nerve and it kills me when stand I have to start back to doing the exercises that were given to me in rehab.
So that’s the next phase to get back to doing. The road to recovery sometimes can be long and twisting but I have to remember it’s the journey not the destination and while there are ups and downs I have to find that little thing every day that makes it worthwhile. Right now, looking out at the snow, seeing the birds and hearing Kojack’s soft snoring makes me fell content and that ok in my book.
There is a beautiful saying amongst the Irish peasantry to inspire hope under adverse circumstances:- "Remember," they say, "that the darkest hour of all. is the hour before day."
Well now the holidays sucked I gained and gained. When I finally got the courage to get back on the scale I was over 400 lbs. There goes my plan I had; I was doing well what happened. Who knows but I came to the realization that I was going the wrong way. What do I have a death wish? The vision I had of me laying on the bathroom floor came back to me in flight. That’s how they were going to find me.
Thursday (January 15) I got back on the scale. I need to do this I want to live and grow old and do things not just sit in my chair and watch the world go by. Sometimes it the darkest before the dawn, I hope so because I am in a dark place and need to see the light.
I was always told I needed a gratitude list:
1)I am alive!!!
2)I am sober
3)I have a family that cares
4)I have friends that care
5)I have Mandy
6)As Jim use to say “You have food, a place to sleep clean sheet, you never had it so good” I have all three.
7) I have a great job and good people around me
8)I have money in the bank for retirement
9)My mind still functions
10)Kojack the faithful cat is by my side
So its time. Lord know its time. All I have to do is ask God in the morn for a good day and thank him at night and put the next foot in front of me.
“We don’t tell ourselves, ‘I’m never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I am going to write my symphony; I’m just going to do it tomorrow.’” - The War of Art, Steven Pressfield
I ran across a blog today called Can You Stay For Dinner and read Audie's October 21, 2014 post. Its about what she has learned the second time losing weight. It was a amazing read that made me think about my struggles. Someone once told me there was a difference between knowledge and wisdom. While all around me I had access to more information than I knew what to do with about my weight things did not change. There is a prayer were it talks about accepting the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Her post made me that about the wisdom to know the difference, powerful insight that I needed.
Procrastination. The bane of my existence. Why do something today when you can do it tomorrow. It seems that I procrastinate because outside distractions interfere with my long-term goals. In a sense I sabotage my own success, which is really strange. I will make plans to exercise or to diet but find my attention drawn toward attractions like the television or the refrigerator. I am hiding from either feels or situations I really don't want to handle which only leads to more discomfort. However when I finally do face the situation it not that bad, which is totally baffling.
So I say I am going to work on my procrastination and ironic thing is that I off dealing with my procrastination. Get me a couch.
This leads me back to the serenity prayer. This simple three-fold prayer to a power greater than myself asks for three things:
A simple prayer that holds great meaning. Courage to change things in my life might lead only to heartbreak and suffering when I apply it to something that is out of my hands. Serenity in accepting bad situations and treatment that could be changed might leave that me to be trapped and helpless within the my current mess. And the wisdom to figure out the one from the other is useless if not acted upon.
The prayer show me that these simple concepts and counsels me to stay calm in the face of matters I can do nothing about and tells me to decisive moves in the face of those I can. It serves to clarify my thoughts during times of trouble when all is confusion, suffering, and doubt in that it provides an answer, or at least a tool that can be used to help find an answer, to what can be done and what cannot.
So as Audie concluded "It’s time to feel, and really be, OK. And that’s not something you can put off. Not even for a day."